"Get over it" they said...

I wonder how people do it, moving on with their lives after a loved one leaves them. I wonder how they manage to keep on living like nothing has happened, even when (if) they’re dying inside. I just cannot do it, what I once thought I could do, I realized I can’t.

There’s been a month and four days since I saw him for the last time, and more than two months since we had our last communication (because when we met a month ago, was at a friend’s house with a group, so we weren’t just the two of us. And it wasn’t a conversation, he just let me know he wasn’t going to speak to me again and when I replied, he never answered)… I don’t want to think about the past three and a half years, when we couldn’t spend a day without a text or a call… And tears just come rolling down my cheek and I can’t help it, my promise is going to hell and I can’t do anything to keep it any longer, I feel so fucking useless!

Special thanks to my dad, who came to talk to me about my job and distracted me a while, I’m not crying anymore; I’m still sad and miserable, but that’s just a normal feeling in me this past few days, I kinda got used to it.

Anyway, I feel I can’t talk about this yet; it’s just too soon… But when is It gonna be the time? There’s even gonna be a moment to talk about this? It’s like he’s dead, only worse, because I know he is alive and chooses not to talk to me. I’m literally dying for a text from him, last week was my birthday and he didn’t say anything (I mean, I didn’t expect some magical reconciliation, just an educated “happy birthday, have a nice day”), when I talk with a friend of us about that gathering last month she said “at a certain point, I think he’s over it”… Then why the hell is this so difficult to me?! We’re both humans, we were both in love, we both had plans for the future…

And I can’t talk/write/think about this anymore, tears came back and my mother arrived a few minutes ago, if she sees me crying… I don’t even want to think about what could happen, especially after the other day, when I cut right in front of her when she challenged me saying that I could cut all I wanted that she wouldn’t care, and that he was right about leaving me because I was “too sick” (I hit her for that, but that’s a completely different matter) to be in a relationship with anyone. Whatever, she’s in the room and I can’t write anymore; makes me want to kill her, kill myself and everyone else in the planet just because I have a fucked up mind and I can't deal with it.